We Have a Preemie

Following delivery, I was taken back to my room.  A nurse came in with a breast pump and the needed supplies to start with.  This is one of those times where the ability to see into the future would have been extremely useful.  Since Cameron was born so early and I hadn’t yet done the research on breastfeeding, I wasn’t ready for this next part.  I knew that I wanted to breastfeed and that it was best, I just didn’t know the challenges I was about to face and/or how to do it.  I had heard from friends and relatives that breastfeeding can be difficult but I didn’t know how much so.  I eagerly attached the pump and waited to see the results.  This was really happening.  I was a mom who was doing as nature intended.  It was very surreal and extremely exciting, my first job as a mom.  Of course the first time you pump or feed you only produce about a teaspoon or so of colostrum (liquid gold for a baby).  Once this happened and I finished, I was definitely in awe.  Who knew my body was capable of such things?  After pumping, I was finally able to sleep.  Sweet relief, my body and mind were wholly exhausted.

After breakfast, pumping AND being poked and prodded by the nurses, I was able to go meet my little one, my son.  I was wheeled down to the NICU since I wasn’t allowed to walk yet (residual effects of the epidural).  Being in there was initially overwhelming.  We stopped so I could wash my hands and that became a ritual everyday before seeing Cameron. Then we entered the large room.  There were a lot of various beeping sounds and some quiet chatting.  There were so many incubators (their NICU can hold about 30 babies).  Finally, we got to our little cubical space and there he was.  He was painfully small, less than 3lbs.  He had wires coming from him in every direction and a tiny diaper on. That was all.  His skin was a warm color (maybe from the incubator).  His limbs were so thin and frail looking,  You could see his belly moving up and down with each breath.  Was he really mine?  I, we, made that?  He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.  I was instantly in love.

Our nurse came over to talk to us about him.  He only needed to be on CPAP for about 4 hours and was breathing well on his own.  He was on parenteral nutrition (IV) and had a monitor on him.  The monitor was watching his heart rate, oxygen saturation, respiratory rate and various other things.  The incubator he was in kept his body at a steady temperature since he could not yet regulate it on his own.  I wanted to scoop him up and hold him forever, I had an overwhelming urge to protect him and I began to cry.  Andy and I stood there and stared.  We were both still in shock. While standing there the nurse said the words I wanted to hear more than anything, “Would you like to hold him?” OF COURSE!  She explained the rules of holding a preemie; all of his monitors must stay on, make sure to hold him so that his chin is up and out, not touching his neck as this can block his airway and that when we touch him, to touch him firmly and not pet since their little nervous systems can be over stimulated easily.  She asked at that time if I would like to hold him skin to skin and I said, “No.”.  I wasn’t quite ready for that.  I held him for a little while all wrapped up in his blanket.  Andy held him too.  His blanket seemed to swallow him.  He was so tiny.  Before I knew it, it was time for lunch and pumping, I was getting sore and due for pain meds.  I didn’t want to leave.

For the next 3 days, we pretty much lived, eat and breathed NICU.  I finally kangarooed him and it was the most amazing feeling.  I will never forget feeling his little chest moving up and down against mine.  The human body is really amazing.  The nurse had placed him between my breasts and told me that was the best place for him because my body (breasts) will actually regulate his body temp.  How neat!  As soon as he was on my chest, somehow my body knew (yet another amazing feat) and I began to leak.  Unfortunately, he was no where ready to breast feed.

Pumping at this point had already started to become difficult.  I was getting extremely sore.  I told my nurse and said I may need bigger flanges (man was she wrong as I JUST recently found out).  She got them for me and I tried them.  It still hurt.  I just figured it would take a few days since I was already sore.  I want to note during my entire hospital stay, my nurse NEVER game me any instruction on how to pump, what it should feel like or problems to watch for.  I think it was just the beginning of the snowball effect that I had working against me.

The day came for us to leave the hospital and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I was a wreck.  How could I just leave him there?  Literally walking out of the hospital sucked the most because I had to pass all of the glowing women with their families and new babies.  It wasn’t fair, why me?  Why didn’t I get to have a normal pregnancy?  You know, someone said to me that I was lucky to have him early because I got to meet him sooner.  REALLY?  No sane mom would ever wish for their baby to be born early and spend who knows how long in a hospital away from her, its heart wrenching.  The whole NICU experience game me a new perspective on pregnancy and child development.  We learned so much.  For that experience I am thankful.  Cameron had a relatively uneventful NICU stay.

I was at the hospital every single day sometimes for longer than 12 hours at a time.  Andy went back to work and met me at the hospital after he was off.  After a few weeks, I went back to work for a few hours a day.  I needed to give my thoughts of Cameron a break and try to relax.  We went through all of the stages of development one day at a time and it was emotionally exhausting for me.  We had good and bad days. I remember going home and crying almost everyday.  It is a very unnatural feeling to not have your baby by your side.  It hurts.