FEAR

Since yesterday, I’ve had an overwhelming amount of fear consume me.  Before I go into that I’m going to finish about the floors.

After finishing the floors, we were inspired and decided to buy new furniture.  We bought a new sofa and two chairs.  Pics to come!  We also took a trip to IKEA.  If you’ve never been, I highly recommend going!  We have every room in the house planned, including the baby room.

This week has gone okay, could have been better.  Cameron is now throwing class A fits which include throwing his whole body on the floor and screaming.  We don’t mind too much though, we let him work it out on his own.  That’s all we can do…and maybe not take him into public…lol. J/k.

So, this is difficult for me to write.  This blog has become some form of therapy for me and has helped me to deal with things I haven’t before.  My goal is not to scare anyone but to share my experiences.  I need to get this off my chest.

Thursday I had my second appointment with maternal fetal medicine.  My first appointment was 2 weeks prior in which they measured my cervical length (thickness).  I was measured at 3.5cm.  Cervical length is important because the cervix is the muscular wall (entrance) to the uterus.  It stays closed and thick during a pregnancy to protect the uterus/hold the fetus in.  It’s a very strong muscle.  When you go into labor, your cervix will thing (soften as well) and begin to open.  Average cervical length for a 34 week pregnant mother is 3.5cm.  So during early portions of pregnancy, cervical length can vary from 3-5cm.  With all of that being said, my cervix was great at that first appointment.

I went to my appointment on Thursday and I’m still not sure how to handle/process the news.  Up until Thursday, I have been very optimistic about this time around.  I figured/thought/expected I would at least make it to 30 weeks.  We know what happens then and how to handle it.  My cervix is now at 2.9cm.  The MFM said 2.9cm is still good and 2.5cm is when they “worry”.  At this point, I still find it unacceptable that the fact that my cervix has shortened is okay.  Ok, so, 2.9cm is fine but I am not going to feel better until my next appointment in 2 weeks and that it has stayed the same.  I am flat out worried.  I’m only 19 weeks pregnant and following my previous trend and how fast things happened with Cameron means that this baby could be born earlier than 30 weeks.  The worst part of all of it is that there isn’t anything I can do.

If my cervix shortens to 2 or less cm before I’m 23 weeks, then I ‘m looking at a cerclage (suture to hold my cervix shut).  This comes with its own risks such as being put under general anesthesia and getting an epidural (both required to place the cerclage), them introducing infection when they place it, accidentally breaking my water, or my body rejecting it (since it’s a foreign body).  At 23 weeks a baby is considered viable.  What happens if I shorten right after 23 weeks?  Having a baby less than 30 weeks seems unreal to me.  There are so many complications that can follow.  I’m so overwhelmed.  I’m trying not to worry but how can I not?  The worst thought that keeps circling my mind is the thought of losing Carter.  It’s a horrifying thought.  I don’t think I’m strong enough to handle that.   Two weeks could not come fast enough.  I’m praying I make it at least 30 weeks. At least.